Changes at Giggle's Zoo

I spent all day yesterday thinking about yesterday's post of self-image... Why does my daughter think that being thin is so important? Why do her friends have more sway over her than I do as her mother? Why is Vixen always misbehaving? Why do Monkey and Elephant whine so much? Why is Zebra so withdrawn? ...... the answer is the same for all.... Because I - as their mother and primary caregiver - allow it.  That's why. *sigh*
       Lion and I have discussed this before, but somehow I always seem to forget. If I am not consistent in their discipline, in their level of care, in my responses to their requests, to everything, then they can't possibly know how to behave consistently. 
       Vixen behaves like a brat because I CALL (usually jokingly, but not always) her one, and because sometimes I think the things she does are funny. If I rewarded her sweet and kind behavior and disciplined her "bad" behavior more consistently, maybe she wouldn't misbehave as much. She is ALWAYS a delight when one of us takes her to town by herself.. I have often wondered about why that is... but the answer is obvious... because she is getting one-on-one attention with no distractions from her 4 older brothers and sisters. She is far more likely to misbehave when we are trying to do something that requires our attention - thus taking our attention off of her and her needs. She may, in fact, be TRYING to tell us she needs us for something before she misbehaves, but we fail to see it because our attention is diverted to something - or someone - else.
     Tortoise thinks that being skinny and looking good in front of her friends at school is all important because I have not CONSISTENTLY told her that looks count for little next to personality. That if she wants to be like for WHO she is, not WHAT she shows people, then she needs to stop caring so much about the external. -- I'm NOT talking about hygiene. And start showing others the kind, considerate, beautiful girl she is on the inside. Who chooses to be her friend because of this is a TRUE friend and not one that will drop you and betray you when you gain a few pounds, wear mis-matched clothes, or don't have the newest trendiest outfits.
      Monkey and Elephant whine because they are not getting consistent, GOOD attention from their mama. If I spent more time outside playing with them, or inside reading to them, or including them in the daily activities,  and less time reading and playing online, mayhap they wouldn't need so much "negative" attention.
       Zebra is withdrawn due to the fact that her personality isn't as outgoing as the others, and therefore she gets overlooked. She doesn't seem to need as much attention as the others, so she doesn't receive it. This is a side-effect of having many young children.. not a good one, mind you, but a side-effect none-the-less. She needs, and deserves, as much personal time as each of the others, but fails to get it because far more often than not the squeaky wheel gets the grease.  
      Maybe when they come in from getting a boo-boo, my response SHOULDN'T be "are you bleeding" - jokingly or not! There will come a day when I will miss patching up their boo-boos - imaginary or otherwise. There will come a day when they DON'T want me to play outside with them anymore - and I will have, for the most part, missed it. There will come a day when they DON'T need or want to hold my hand or sit in my lap, or want 5 more bed-time hugs, or for me to read them stories (certainly not "just one more"). As MckMama says "I WILL MISS THIS". (click on link to see her post) I will miss bath-time, and playtime, and tummy-time with babies, and nursing, and being pregnant, and story-time, and help-me-bake-cookies-time, and the multitude of other things in a mom's repertoire. And if I'm not careful, I won't even have all the warm, wonderful memories to look back on with happiness. I will wish I had spent less time looking forward to nap and bedtime (the time I spend wondering when I'm going to get some time for ME), and more time enjoying my wonderful children while they still want me around. :)
      The first step is admitting you have a problem. The fact is *I* am the problem. I am not giving my children the positive attention they need to thrive. Instead of spending the day thinking about what *I* would like to do, I should first determine what my family needs. I don't IGNORE them, mind you. I'm not one of those parents that locks their kids outside all day and tells them to deal with it. I don't not bathe them on a regular basis, I don't let them go to town or school in dirty filthy unwashed clothes- I DO let them play outside and make a complete mess of themselves and sometime not allow them to change just so they can go outside and mess up yet another set of clothes. I make sure their hair is brushed, or cut properly in the case of the boys. I make sure their homework is done and that they practice their spelling every day after school. I help Zebra get her "sharing" (like show-and-tell) homework done and in her backpack for school on her sharing day. But I also spend 2-3 hours online every morning. Is that beneficial to my kids? or to me for that matter??? Is setting Monkey in front of the TV for this entire time good for him? Maybe Vixen misbehaves so much during this time because she is feeling neglected, and seeking attention. maybe. 
     SO! Here's the plan: I will NOT call Vixen a brat - or any other names, nor allow anyone else to do so either - anymore. I will take time every day for each of them one-on-one. I will read to them every day, regardless of the level of today's headache. I will come outside and watch their pretend baseball games and the "new" trick they learned on the swingset. I will push little Vixen on the swingset, as well as any of the others who wish it. I will paint Tortoise's nails, and Zebra's and Vixen's, so that they are pretty, WHILE I tell them how little  outward appearance matters in the long run. I will kiss every boo-boo, imaginary or otherwise. I will not spend all day lamenting how overweight I am. I will take the puppy, and all the kids that wish to go, out on a walk every day. I will enjoy this pregnancy, for it may be my last - it may not too, so I will enjoy EVERY pregnancy that God chooses to give us. 
       :) time to implement the new plan and take puppy, Monkey, and Vixen out for a nice long walk. It may have the added side benefit of reducing the frequency and severity of my constant headaches as well. :)

Young Girls' Self-Image

I apologize in advance for the nekkid doll pictures, but it was the only way to illustrate my point.

This morning, as Tortoise was getting ready for school, Vixen brought a nekkid Belle doll out of her bedroom and sat on the couch next to big sis Tortoise. I have no idea who undressed Belle, but it's irrelevant to this post anyway... here is the doll as Tortoise saw her this morning:

          When Vixen got up and wandered away, she left Belle on the couch next to Tortoise. Tortoise picked her up looked her up and down and said "Belle is fat." then put her down.  

           I looked at Tortoise with shock... "Why do you say that Tortoise? Belle looks perfectly healthy to me. She's not Fat.". Tortoise picked Belle back up and showed me Belle's side view... and the small curve of her belly...

Side view of Belle's nekkid tummy

Tortoise then pointed at the curve and said... "That's fat.". I must have looked at her like she was crazy or something cause she started to get defensive... "Isn't she fat, Mama? Her belly... it's not...." she couldn't even put it into words, but in her mind, Belle is fat. I know I'VE never taught her this nutty concept that you are "fat" if your belly isn't perfectly flat... I have teased skinny Tortoise on occasion -that she's too skinny and that we need to bulk her up some so she looks like a member of the family... and teased her about the sheer amount of food she can put away and not gain a single ounce. But not once have I or her daddy indicated this insane view of what is fat. She isn't allowed to watch the TV shows that the other girls her age watch, so she couldn't have picked it up from TV. I'm frustrated that she will go through life thinking she's fat if she's isn't a size 4... or God forbid a 2!! Tortoise will never be a 2, or a 4, and be healthy... 

           I remember being a teenager, 5'9" and 145 pounds size 8... and I didn't think I was thin either.... why??? why why why??? As the mother of soon-to-be-4 girls I am worried about their self-image. If  Tortoise has this crazy idea that this doll is fat, then what will my other girls think? How do I prevent this concept from getting such a strong toe-hold on them that they can never be happy with their very healthy bodies? Of course it swings both ways... 

          take the TV show "Drop Dead Diva"... the actress in that show is content with her body... content isn't the right word. Calling herself a "diva" isn't content. It's no more healthy for my girls to see that TV show than it is for them to be inundated with posters of models that are so underweight you can see every rib, every vertebrae. I want my girls to be healthy... 

          but girls today have idiotic ideas on what is healthy.. 

           Drew Darrymore is beautiful! When she played in Charlie's Angels she was a healthy wieght and gorgeous.. but paired up with very thin Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz, the newspapers and entertainment industry labeled her as fat. FAT!? NO WAY! Since then she has dropped a good 20 pounds.. pounds that she probably couldn't have afforded to lose and be truly healthy, but that's what she had to do to maintain a good image with the entertainment industry... she's even in Cover Girl commercials now... and -to me anyway- she looks dangerously thin. I found her much more attractive in Charlie's Angels than in those commercials.... *sigh* 

           How do I stop this crazy cycle?? How do I get my girls to understand that they are beautiful? TELLING them how beautiful will only go so far... I know this. What other options do I have?? any ideas?